Hawk's Last Song: Suicide is Painless
by onemoremoondance
Summary: A songifc based on the lyrics of the famous M*A*S*H theme, "Suicide is Painless". Hawkeye comes back from Korea with PTSD, and five years later, he hits his breaking point. As a warning, there is no happy ending for Hawkeye. T for themes


**A/N: this is my first attempt at a songfic. Hawkeye suffers from PTSD after coming home from Korea, and five years later, he's reached his breaking point. this is going to be depressing, and it's going to deal with a lot of tough shit. If this is going to make you too uncomfortable, then I recommend you don't read on. If this isn't going to bother you, then read on.**

Hawk's Last Song: Suicide is Painless

It's been five years since the war ended. Five long, damned years. Hawkeye still feels like he's in Korea, sometimes. Noises or sights can send him right back to the operating room in the 4077th, or, even worse, they can send him back to the bombings and wilderness. He can still see the faces of the men he operated on whenever he closes his eyes.

Through early morning fog I see  
Visions of the things to be  
The pains that are withheld for me  
I realize that I can see

Hawkeye sits on his bed, his head in his hands. He's thinking about them, the hundreds of thousands of men who came through his operating table. Sure, he was glib in Korea, and he's still glib about it now, in public, but when he's alone with himself at the end of the day, it's haunting.

That suicide is painless  
It brings so many changes  
And I can take or leave them if I please

He'd tried diving into a bottle, like he did in Korea, but all the gin and scotch in the world couldn't take away the pain and the memories. He'd saved so many men, but he'd lost his fair share, too. So many innocent young men had died during this "dust up" as the damned government called it. He has dreams about it almost every night. No amount of drink can save you from your own subconscious.

The game of life is hard to play  
I'm gonna lose it anyway  
The losing card of some delay  
So this is all I have to say

At home, Hawkeye feels like he is drowning. His practice is doing well, but it isn't the same. He was ghosting through the motions of life. He isn't adjusting at all; he'd tried calling Sydney Freedman and talking. Hell, he'd tried calling everyone from the 4077th. They had all slipped back into civilian life like a hand into a glove. Hawkeye is alone.

That suicide is painless  
It brings so many changes  
And I can take or leave them if I please

His dad doesn't understand, and why should he? He never saw the carnage. He never saw men missing half their bodies, men with their heads blown off, men who were never going to be the same again. He didn't have to sew these men back together, only to watch most of them go back out again.

The sword of time will pierce our skin  
It doesn't hurt when it begins  
But as it works its way on in  
The pain grows stronger watch I bring

Tears begin to work their way down Hawkeye's face; he begins rocking back and forth on his bed. When he first came home, he had hope that everything would go back to the way it had been. So, he picked up his practice and settled back in at Crabapple Cove. As time wore on, the nightmares, the memories, they just got worse. They're still getting worse. Hawkeye wants to rant, rave, scream, and curse. When you're living it, it's about survival, but when you're home, it's about coping. A different kind of survival.

That suicide is painless  
It brings so many changes  
And I can take or leave them if I please

Hawkeye slowly reaches under his bed, his hand patting around, searching for something that has been stowed under there since he got home. He feels it with his fingertips, and he grabs it. He doesn't remember it being this heavy in his hand. He pulls it out and stares at it: his old service revolver. He stuck it under his bed when he first got home, never wanting to see it again. Now, looking at it, his eyes soften and he feels relieved.

A brave man once requested me  
To answer questions that are key  
Is it to be or not to be  
And I replied oh why ask me

He has no other choice. He just wants to escape. _I'm sorry dad, I'm so sorry_ , he thinks over and over. He hates himself, he hates this choice he has made. He just wants to be at peace. He can't escape what happened, he can't move no. He can't LIVE for Christ's sake. He doesn't know what else to do. Nothing can stop the nightmares, the daydreams, the memories that haunt his everyday life. There's only one way out. Hawkeye puts the gun into his mouth and pulls the trigger. His last thought is _it's finally over_.

That suicide is painless  
It brings so many changes  
And I can take or leave them if I please


End file.
